Well, here is another swan painting. I seem to be obsessing with swans. That is ok.
There are parts of my brain which are opening up and working in interesting ways.
I feel like my mind is being stretched in many ways lately. If I do teach the Yoga teacher training, I will be working very hard, and doing more than I thought I could do. But I could surprise myself. I might actually get energy from doing it. We will see. Right now I am overwhelmed.

Sometimes I have days when my body, mind and emotions are in a kind of uproar---an autonomic nervous system storm. My back is screaming at me, my head has weird thoughts, my digestion has run amok, I can't sleep, and everything seems difficult.

In the middle of that, I still know that is not who I really am. I am able to step back, and breathe inside and say "I am more than my thoughts. All my thoughts are just like waves in the ocean, coming and going, neither inauspicious, nor meaningful."

And the funny thing is, that the whole situation passes much more quickly, and I can find my self again. I used to stay in these states of mind for months, or maybe years, kind of paralyzed by inaction, depressed, and drawing all kinds of bad conclusions about myself.


A few weeks ago I had a mother and her daughter visit my Yoga class. The mother clearly wanted to "protect" the daughter, in case I turned out to be too weird or something.
I tried to answer their questions as best I could, and also answered her email questions.
A week ago she sent me this letter; it just blew me away. It seems she got the essence of the thing right away. Wow.

Here is the letter:

Susan,

I wanted to say thank you again for all the wonderful help you have given me.

I also have been very disciplined in my practice of meditation though my mind tends to wonder more days than not I seem to have found a part of my inner self I had yet to consciously shed light on. I have found myself looking upon things differently, like the small things in life actually stand out and I seem more of the goodness in others.

I also find that my day to day life is less stressful, I have become more content in my life and I have also found a new love for myself that I have never felt before. I use to look in the mirror and see a lot of negative but each day I try to find something more about myself I appreciate. Each day it gets a little bit easier to be less critical and more loving towards who I am.

The more I meditate I find new things about myself, like the other day I found the anger and hurt that I had thought I had let go of was still within me. I actually began to let it out I felt as though with each deep breathe I took I breathed in positive things and released the negative. I have never felt as good as I do right now, I have also found my beliefs have strengthened and I stand stronger in what I believe.

The other day I was beginning to do the tree pose and I felt an energy within me I cant describe it. I hadn't felt that way before. I feel it every time I do the pose its as though I'm linked to something within me that gives me extra strength to do anything I need to do and face anything I need to face. Thank You I know you do not know it but you have helped me in many ways. Thank You for helping me live a lifestyle that helps me grow and love who I am and everything around me.

Sincerely,
Melanie

One of the wonderful things about birthdays is receiving the expressions of love from the people who care about you. This year I especially feel such a sweetness from everyone. Each day is so different, and I am grateful for all the precious people in my life. I wish I could have found the "Yogic" point of view earlier in my life, but I am grateful I found it at all!

Cultivating the practice of gratitude has had profound effects on me, and it seems so easy to do, really. Anyway, a great big THANK YOU to the universe!

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me. I always think so much about my mother at this time of year; it almost feels as if she is very close to me. I miss her so much, and feel sad. She wouldn't have wanted me to feel sad, but I just do.

On the morning I was born, my father "threw" my mother into the back of a cab in Cincinnati, Ohio, and rushed her to the hospital, where on my birth certificate it says "mother's stay in hospital before delivery: 10 minutes". I weighed 4 lbs. and 3 oz, and was 2 months premature. My mother was a heavy smoker. I stayed in an incubator for a month, and my mother visited me every day.
My father was in the Coast Guard at the time, and they lived in a basement apartment.
Of course, I don't remember any of this.

And now I am 64 years old, and the time has gone by so fast. I hope I have many years left to work and to be with my family and friends. One does think about mortality at this time.
But I guess this makes each day more precious. As it should.

Tonight we had a power outage, and it makes me realize how dependent we are on such things. I read my book by candlelight, and could not open the refrigerator, and was trying to go to bed early. I couldn't use my computer, but I could take a bath. So I took two baths. I ate a banana. Technology is fine when it works. Oh well.

On the left is a self portrait I made about 2 years ago, and on the right is one I made this month. The one on the right was made by looking in a mirror and drawing without looking at the paper. Then going back in with watercolors and uniball pen.

Every so often I have a day when I feel like I know nothing. I am just a big fake. I have no business teaching anything! I should just go home. No one makes me feel this way; it just happens. I try to observe my crazy thoughts, and realize one more time what a three ring circus it is inside my head. And to think I used to ACT on all those thoughts! Wow.

I found a picture of Meems Cat I didn't know I had. He was the most loving, kind and beautiful spirit! I miss him every day. Out where he is buried there are 8 hyacinths blooming now, and lots of grape hyacinths, and yellow daffodils.

I am just writing to keep a kind of record of what I think about during the day. Sometimes you look back and ask yourself, what did I think about? The more mundane things are obvious, but the processing is something else. I am very aware that a human birth is a precious thing, and I don't want to waste it, by being inauthentic.

Sometimes when we are stretching ourselves and growing we can get very tired. This weekend I have been exhausted, and needing to rest. I wonder to myself, who was that person who was getting all that stuff done last week? And how will I ever get everything done that needs doing for future plans?

These are just thoughts. I don't believe everything I think. In fact, I have a refrigerator magnet which says, "Don't believe everything you think". These thoughts will come and go.

Today I am grateful for my food. I just went to the store and bought swiss chard, beets, swiss cheese, salmon, whole wheat rolls---all fresh and wonderful. I am privileged to eat the best food in the world. I want to honor my body and my Self by eating that food which nourishes me at the highest level.
Sometimes, though, that will be ice cream.
Seriously.

The blank page

Whenever I sit down in my art class and see that blank page in front of me, I always wonder what will show up on it. I wonder, what will come from me which will create the art. Where will it come from, and how can I just stay open enough that it will come naturally?

Something always does show up....sometimes I don't like it. Sometimes it is so much better than I could have thought up. It doesn't seem to come from a place of thought at all. It arises from somewhere. I can feel places in my mind opening where I didn't know I had places! It is not a verbal thing at all. I don't know what it is. It is a mystery.

I like staying in touch with the mystery.

......keep mind like a baby's mind.....
keep heart open.....keep the energy flowing.......
.....everything turns out all right.

The blessings of life

There is no way to describe how grateful I am for my life. Every day I am thankful for my practice, my daughters, my Jim, my job, my good health, and my friends. I am continually amazed how everything I need comes to me. I am going to get a big tax refund, even! And a rebate! And social security! Wow.

I have been doing some artwork lately which I realize is a reflection of my mind in some way.
Hard to describe. But there is lots of sparkle and detail in it, reflecting the richness of the way I am experiencing my life. At least in that arena, I have let go of "being good", and just have allowed myself to be.

I keep trying to surrender every day the old ideas I had about myself, and to try to be open to what is happening right now. This advice comes from Babaji, and he has always helped me to go in the right direction. He told me a long time ago that your guru will lead you through some dark places. I have felt it.

I wonder what is coming next?
Stay tuned!